Fairy tales and ever after

July 17, 2008 - I'm scared...of my thoughts, of my emotions... I can't believe how vulnerable I can be, how my mind can easily be changed by something quite different.

I swore to everyone else that really, I don't see someone special in him. I mean, he's this average-looking dude who seems confident in himself, somewhat friendly and a little eager about starting a new life. But when you look deeper you'd realize how young he must really be, and maybe, a little unsure about himself. I didn't even give him a second glance when I first saw him. I doubt if he made me a look-over.

But there's something different about him, something I find amusing in a silly way. Like the way he writes about himself, or the stories he has to tell ,or the dreams of adventure he was willing to share.

I can see in him someone I can goof around, talk endlessly and do nothing and everything with...

And I don't like me thinking about that...

I don't like the secret laughter I let out over our exchange of office e-mails. Or the slight beating of my heart when he comes over to pick up some files or the rising anticipation of seeing him in the hallways to smile.

I don't like me thinking about what it would be like hanging out with him over drinks one of these days or going to the beach on weekends together or watching movies on Fridays nights with just the two of us.

More than anything, I just want to see him as a friend, someone I can allow to see me with all my hair down without fear of judgement. I can never do that if I would allow myself to feel these emotions that I am not prepared to deal with. Because I know myself too well. I live in constant denial of something that might be and the constant recourse has always been to run away from the person who threatens to hurt me.

And he will, no doubt about it.

He exists in a world so different from mine enveloped by people who may not be willing to share him. He is an enigma and breaking the walls that surrounds his mystery might suck in all the energy, all that I can spare, in me...

I've always believed in fairy tales, always wanted one for myself. Yet somehow I never believed I am good enough to be the princess or that someone valiant is really looking hard to find me...

That doesn't mean I've stopped dreaming of the day when I would post his picture and write something like "It took me awhile but it's worth it" like Shery did of her German boyfriend or shout to the world "Fairy tales do come true" like Lorie had of her husband.

My British friend will never be that guy. He's too young for the kind of commitment my fairy tale would require. He is too adventuresome to imagine about someday settling down. He's too happy about his life now to make some drastic changes. Yes, somehow, the qualities I find endearing in him are the same ones that would keep him from being my "ever after".

I just wish to be his friend, to shelter my heart from great expectations and to allow myself to know others without dreaming of them as the "one".

Maybe my fairy tale will come true in the end, with a "happily ever after" attached to. But just not now, not yet...